Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Nine months newlywed: thoughts on marriage so far.

Photo by Adam Pap
We just passed the nine month mark on our marriage. It feels a bit like the time Brian hit 199,999 km on his motorcycle, and we toddled around a parking lot til the tachometer hit 200,000 so he could take a picture. When we did that with the bike, we paused for a moment and tried to drink in the strange feeling of being present for a significant moment in time that will never be duplicated. I kind of have the same feeling about hitting nine months, maybe because it's so close to a year, or maybe just because this was the month I had time to take note of the date.

I can't imagine the last nine months without Brian. Well, first off, half of the adventures I've had since August 2011--good and bad--would not have been possible without Brian in my life.  But all these adventures have been better with him by my side. I have been honored to support his journey through college, sometimes by cheering him on and sometimes by proof reading. I have been grateful to have him there through my health stuff, my career changes, and the Great Bat Fiasco of 2012. I have been moved to tears by the simple domestic reality of folding laundry while he roams around downstairs singing songs to the dog. I am filled with happiness.


I'm curious about when I might expect to stop feeling a bit inadequate. I think of all the ways that Brian shows his love, and sometimes I am overwhelmed by the feeling that I can never find enough ways to show him, too. Everything still feels so surreal, like I'm going to wake up and he'll have just been a dream...or that one day I'm going to do something so despicably annoying/reprehensible/weird that he will just stand up, grab his coat, and walk out. And I wouldn't even blame him because he's much, much too good for me. This isn't a self esteem issue, I swear; I firmly believe that other newlyweds must have these feelings sometimes, too. I think it comes from the mind-boggling realization that someone you think is pretty much heaven-sent, would ever possibly happen to feel the exact same way towards you. It is one of those gifts in life that makes me believe in a higher power. Some things are so glorious, they must be the work of the divine. And that's how I feel about my Brian.

Happy nine months, Bri. Looking forward to watching our tachometer flip over to 1 year.

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