Dad blogs for cats: the dog diary vs cat diary continued

This is a completely random ‘bonus post’ for y’all.

My dad recently fell in love with this internet meme:

In case you can't read that, here's the original source.

Before I knew it, Dad was sending me additions that he’d written himself. I’ve been getting giggly emails from him with new cat diary entries that he’s written, which is surprising and odd on its own, but factor in that he’s such a dog fanatic...well, I was really surprised. The funny thing is, his entries are just as funny as the first; apparently, this joke isn’t getting old for me (nor for him) anytime soon.

In case you need a chuckle today, here ya go: two cat diary entries by my dad Bill.

Day 997

source: DeviantArt

Last night I failed in my attempt to assassinate the male human prison guard. I had waited until they slept and made my move. Unfortunately the human noticed me “sleeping on his face”. He woke up choking on a hairball. Too bad the ball was not large enough to finish the job. The next day I was tortured for my transgression with THE RAKE OF DEATH. The rake of death scenario usually begins with their war cry. The house echoes with the maniacal words “Here, kitty kitty…” I’m off in a flash! I use the sofas and chairs as launch points, digging my claws in for traction while spitting and cursing at the vile wretches. Just when I thought I had escaped this time, I hit the kitchen floor, slid across the tiles, smashed into the gruel and water bowls. Now I am wet, sore, and covered in pellet gruel! The dog is laughing. (Note to self: kill the dog.)

However, there is a cat god. The human hit the water/gruel slurry on the fly and slid into the bird prison stand. It falls over, spreading bird litter and poop into said slurry. The human lands face first in the carnage. I smiled, but my victory was short-lived. The human had me by my foot! Now the raking began. I am wet, exhausted, and covered in gruel so I reluctantly surrendered to the brushing.  The only redeeming part of the day is the dog now must have a bath (he was rolling in the gruel). I will watch this with great pleasure, wait until the human sleeps, and attempt to finish the job. There is always hope.

Source: Flickr

Day 1007

The dog must die. Being the magnanimous creature I am, have come to accept that the dog needs to exist if for no other reason than to keep the prison guards away from me. However the dog went too far today when it ate my gruel!  I know that I have said that the desiccated pellets given to me as rations are inedible; that’s not the point, people! It is my inedible gruel! No floppy eared, bandy legged, mentally deficient meat sack is going to have anything of mine. Unless, of course, I have accidentally peed on it…then it’s all his.

Actually, the gruel debacle may not be the worst thing that happened today. This afternoon I was having one of my deep meditative phases (a ‘catnap’, they call it prosaically) and I was dreaming about being wrapped in a warm fuzzy blanket. It was like my mind had found a way to escape the gulag when suddenly the blanket began to snore. I woke up to find myself pressed up against the stupid mutt and his legs were around me!. To top it all off I think the prison guards put the photo on my facebook page. I feel so dirty.

Budget Advice Part II: the no-fail budget lesson

Welcome to Part II of the no-fail budget lesson. We recommend you start with Part I if you haven’t already read it.

Did you do your homework? Did you list out all your expenses, even your debt payments and your new ‘allowance’ amount? Good. Let’s get this ball really rolling.

THE CHART:

Now, you’re going to put all your expenses into this chart:

If it's too small or you want a pdf, email us.

I’ve filled out a fake one here just to show you the basics:

To be clear: the top part is for monthly expenses; then the two pay periods of the month are below. I often write the week’s dates in the margin, ie “Dec 7-14”. And this may sound nuts, but I print this off the computer each month. That way it’s in my planner, and it’s way more tangible…like a contract with yourself.

The first pay period of the month is usually the one with the most expenses, but using this chart, you may be able to balance it out by moving some things around. For instance, money for toiletries could be moved to pay period 2.

MAY I HAVE THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE:

So now you’ve got all these numbers in a very simple table. And if this is where your strategy ends, you will likely find yourself back here in a couple months with a big FAIL written across your spreadsheet. Why? Because money has become intangible, and that makes it easier to spend. Debit cards and credit cards feel endless. We can always squeeze five more bucks out of them. And then suddenly, we realize we’re $300 overdrawn. So what can we do?

We get envelopes.

I keep a steady flow of those slim-fitting banker’s envelopes around the house. And in my wallet, I divide out each of my cash allotments with a note at the top of the envelope. I bought a long ‘pocket book’ style wallet to hold these envelopes; if you don’t want to do that, you can admittedly leave the majority of the envelopes at home most days. And I still put my regular allowance into my cute tri-fold wallet, because that’s discretionary spending so I don’t need to keep it as ‘segregated’.

When I go to the grocery store, I pull out my grocery envelope and hand over the cash. Likewise for the pharmacy. Other ‘extra expenses’, like a haircut, have a temporary envelope…I bring that, too. Each payday, I go to the bank, take out in cash anything that isn’t sent electronically to a bill collector or landlord (etc), and make these envelopes.

You may feel silly doing this. That’s pride effing with you. You know when I feel really proud? When I follow this system and, for example, manage to amass enough cash to go on a vacation.

Because what happens with this system is that you don’t overspend; and sometimes, when you’re lucky, you underspend. What do you do with the extra cash? You can keep it for an extra-large grocery shop, or you can put it in your ‘sock money’ place (your savings, that you may or may not keep in a sock).

Note: if envelopes are just not going to work for you, try paper clips with post-it notes: fold the money in half, paper clip the bundle, and get a tiny post-it for the front where you write what that money is for. Only trouble is that you can’t paperclip coins.

WHAT ABOUT DEVELOPING CREDIT?

source

I have a credit score, and primarily that’s developed through purchasing larger items. When I bought a new computer last year, I paid with my Visa, after checking my spreadsheet and seeing what money I had. Sometimes I pay for something with Visa because it’s online (ie paying for movie tickets in advance), but I have a VISA envelope in my wallet, and I diligently take my movie money out of my ‘allowance’, and move it over to that envelope. Next payday, I put all the accumulated VISA envelope money into the bank.

WHEN YOU’RE A COUPLE:

Brian and I have divided some expenses (ie. He pays for half the groceries); for expenses we’ve split down the middle like this, we each withdraw it from our accounts, and then put it in one shared envelope. For example, since I’m the grocery shopper usually, I keep that envelope and Brian gives me his cash to add into it.

For other expenses, we may not split equally; Brian might deal with the cable bill, while I deal with the car insurance--an e-payment. As long as you talk it out, it’ll be fine. Sometimes the reality is that one person makes less money than the other; that’s okay! Just figure out how each of you can sensibly contribute.

FAILURE IS A PART OF LIFE.

You may try this system and screw up along the way. Some people adopt it and find that it’s super easy to keep doing. Some of us have learned the joys of instant gratification…and it will take us longer to put away the Debit card. What do you do when you screw up? Print another sheet and start again.

Give this system a try; I dare you! Let me know if you are confused on any of it, or if you need help. And tell me how you do. I would LOVE to hear from you.

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BONUS TIPS:

SEASONAL EXPENSES: Property tax, dental cleanings, and flu medicine are the type of unexpected expense that can screw you up. Ideally you’ll have a pool of ‘sock money’ (savings) that you can dip into if you need it. But if you don’t and you have to use your credit card, just be sure to increase your payment ‘til you get it paid back down. Of course, there’s always the good ol’ garage sale: sell some stuff, or work for a weekend. Brian often helps out with a friend’s business to get a little extra spending money.

BONUS MONEY: When you get an income tax return or birthday money, think before you spend. This money should ideally never be worked into your budget, so it can remain fun and carefree, but I still keep a wishlist of purchases in my planner so that, when the birthday money shows up, I know exactly where I want to spend it. This self control has helped me to have some pretty great luxuries. (PS.: if your electrical bill is overdue, you may have to bite the bullet and give this bonus money over to the electrical company. Sorry.)

BONUS TIP FOR MONEY DUMMIES: I’m a money dummy. I need to see money in front of me to understand what I’m doing. So consequently, I have a stack of Monopoly money that I bought just for this reason. If I have a large bundle of expenses coming up, I pull out the monopoly money to figure it out. For instance, back in college I managed (with this system) to save up enough money for a cruise. I knew I had to pay x-amount to my Visa for the booking, x-amount to Mom for the flight booking, and x-amount for on-ship expenses. Soon I realized there were tons of different pockets of money I needed to be sure to pay. I counted out exactly how much (Monopoly) money I had for this trip, then laid out post-its with the titles (ie. VISA, FLIGHT, EXCURSION FEE) and put my Monopoly money in front of each one. This allowed me to realize that after all the travel expenses were paid off, I still had $300 for shopping. Woo hoo!

Budgeting advice: Jordan's recipe for financial success

source: academics.uww.edu

Stats say that the majority of married couples (especially newlyweds) have a lot of fights about money. In fact, I’ve heard that money and moving are the two biggest hot topics in a relationship. Brian and I don’t fight much about money, and I’ll take credit for that; yep, unabashedly, I claim the gold star on this one.

Growing up, my family wasn’t rich. In fact, my parents have lived a very exciting, adventurous life, and some of their gambles lead them into some penny-pinching times (but of course, provided them with some great stories). So from an early age, they impressed upon me the importance of budgeting. I ended up hashing out a system that works for me, and I’m going to share it with you here.

I warn you now, it may seem a bit silly, but it works. I haven’t put a person on this system yet who didn’t see an immediate difference. So I invite you to try this out, and see where it takes you. 

Even if you feel like you've got your budget under control, I invite you to give this a try; just for fun, you can see if there's any sort of difference. (I wager there will be!)                                       

PART I: THE BIG PICTURE

source: mediabistro.com

LIST YOUR EXPENSES: List them all, with the date they come out. Some expenses are once a month, and some are bi-weekly; make sure you list them all. Add them up, then compare them to your take-home paycheque. Ideally, you will not only have enough to cover your expenses, but you will have a little extra. This little extra will be your ‘sock money’; more on this soon.

Be realistic about your expenses. If you know you need 80.00 for gas each pay, but you’re only budgeting 60.00, you’re going to regret it later.

WHAT IF YOUR EXPENSES OUTWEIGH YOUR INCOME? This is usually where people struggle. I find that for many people, it’s the cost of housing that puts them over the edge. This is the time to make hard decisions; you may have to consider moving to a less expensive home, or you will need to skimp in other areas to make up the difference. Perhaps you’ll need to drop that gym membership for a while, or hold off on that art class. Hey, you can still use yoga podcasts, and do some oil painting on your own!

THINGS TO BUDGET FOR:

Allowance: Include an allowance for yourself. It’s not indulgent, it’s realistic. I recommend you budget $10 per day as your allowance. This is what I use for my latte, my impulse earring purchases, and my rock climbing fees. If you spend $20 on Monday, you’ll need to go spending-free on Tuesday or a different day that week. You may currently not allow yourself any allowance, but I urge you to give it a try. The trick to allowance is adhering to it: don’t just give yourself an extra 20 bucks if you overspend!

Debts: Debts need to be paid. I always try to pay more than the minimum, otherwise the interest rates will slowly kill you. Try to put even an extra $20 onto your minimum payment. Include all your debts, even the family ones.

source: money-top10.com

Utilities: Sometimes people forget to budget for utilities; same goes for cable/internet.

Sock money: After you’ve paid all your expenses, this is the money that you take out of the bank and put in a sock for safekeeping…or that you store in a separate bank account. I have a savings account now, but for years I used a sock, so the name has stuck.

Birthdays and holidays: These are one-time expenses each year, but don’t forget to budget for them. Write all the gift-giving holidays and birthdays in your calendar, with a reminder at least 2 weeks before. This way you can budget well in advance.

AUSTERITY MEASURES DON’T HAVE TO SUCK. Remember, if you’re figuring out your numbers based on my system here, you’re going to have $300 of allowance each month to enjoy, guilt-free. People often think that budgets are horrible, skimpy things that don’t allow for any joys in life; those types of budgets are very hard to stick to.

YOUR HOMEWORK:

-Write out all the numbers mentioned above.

-Go get a stack of banker’s envelopes…you know, those tiny ones that fit snugly ‘round your bills. If you can’t get a dozen from your bank, go buy some at Staples.

Tomorrow, we’ll tackle Part II: putting the budget in motion.

Friday's with Bri: mini post - guitar lessons

My First Guitar

I received my first guitar a long time ago. It is a Yamaha acoustic; it sounds like...a guitar, plays like...a guitar (in the right person's hands) and I have no idea how to play it. I have taken piano lessons and learned to play the trumpet in my youth, so when I got the guitar I also bought a book called The Idiot's Guide to Guitar. I always dreamed of learning to play the guitar, being that cool guy by the campfire singing and playing. And now I finally had the guitar.

Turns out, that is a lot of pressure to put on yourself and all I could do is play the open strings… do do do do do do do do. It was sad. Every couple of days I would pick it up and play do do do do do do. It then turned to every couple of weeks between tries, then months, and finally years. I was nowhere near being that guy by the fire...

My birthday guitar

Meeting Jordan’s dad with his passion for music and playing instruments has been inspiring. Bill is an incredible guitarist and I hear about the lessons he is taking with Canadian blues great J.W. Jones, and how he is actually teaching the teacher some tricks! He has an amazing collection of Vantage guitars.

Jordan and her parents got me a guitar for my birthday last year, and it is beautiful. It is the guitar I always wanted, a sunburst orange electric, and every time I play Guitar Hero I make my virtual guitar look like this one. My one fear is that the dreaded monthly session of do do do do do do do do do do will occur if I don't get some lessons. So what better idea than to finally get some lessons from my new family’s great guitar players: Jordan and Bill. Finally, after years of my first guitar collecting dust, and the new one being licked more than played, I am finally learning how to play it. 

So far I have been taking lessons for a month now and its progressing well. I am learning to play House of the rising sun, Blackbird and The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. It is a fantastic thing that Jordan and I are doing together and it gives us a fun activity to do with Bill. 

And hey, I can finally feel good about going into a music store, picking up a guitar, and playing with it.

Keep checking back in and I may even post a video soon, of us playing!

DIY: appliqued duvet cover, forest friends theme!

This past long weekend, Brian and I took on a giant project. I don’t think we realized quite how large of a DIY adventure it would be until we started working on it, but by then it was too late to turn back. Don’t get me wrong: the end result was worth it; but with a lot of repetitive activity and tedious motions, this is the kind of project I usually avoid like the plague. Enough whining, though: look at our gorgeous appliqued duvet cover!

Here’s how you can do this for yourself:

YOU WILL NEED:

-a duvet cover. We got ours for $14.00 with pillowcases, at IKEA. Cotton is probably best.

-scraps of fabric: felt, cottons, flannel

-buttons as accents

-Fabric glue: I love Aleene’s

-iron-on adhesive interfacing

-scissors and sewing basics

-parchment paper or cardstock

-large surface to work on

-a co-pilot. This is a two-person job.

WHAT TO DO:

1. Prep your duvet cover by washing and drying it. Don’t use any fabric softener: it will interfere with your adhesives.

2. Choose a design (we got some ideas off the internet), and choose your fabric accordingly.

3. Start drawing out your designs onto the fabric and cutting. Practice placing the pieces out.

Inspiration online.

Keep cutting.

And cutting.

And placing.

We lay everything out on a spare yellow sheet while the duvet cover was in the laundry.

4. Iron all your pieces perfectly. I recommend throwing on a TV show.

5. Lay out your big sheet of interfacing. We got a bulk roll at Fabricland for 16.00. Place your pieces on it. We were careful to squish everything close together, yet we still ran out of interfacing. (This is when the fabric glue steps in.)

6. Iron the interfacing onto the fabric. We couldn’t flip the sheets over without screwing up our placement of the fabric pieces, so we lay file folders (ie cardstock) over the top of everything and just ironed a little longer than directed. Worked great.

7. Cut out all those fabric shapes again. Yyyyyyyep, it’s as much fun as it sounds.

8. Lay out all your pieces on your duvet cover, likely on the floor unless you have the biggest table ever. Follow the directions for ironing your pieces down. Because we had extra leaves, and the branches of the tree didn’t fit onto the interfacing sheets, we used fabric glue for some pieces. In retrospect, I might have used it on everything if I could have guaranteed that I wouldn’t get any ‘wet’ looking spots. The interfacing is stiff and has a ‘crinkly’ quality that is unfortunate, but I think it’ll soften over time.

9. Finishing touches: Brian sewed the owl’s button eyes into place. We’ll have to re-iron a few spots on the tree trunk where the interfacing didn’t quite meld with the duvet cover. But other than that, it’s pretty freakin’ spectacular!

This project took at least 8 hours spread out over 3 days. There were points where we were snapping at each other, where we fought over who lost the scissors, and where my hands were literally coated in fabric glue. We also went over our intended budget: I thought I’d have enough fabric at home to make all the leaves, but it turns out I didn’t have things on theme. Between the plain duvet cover set ($14), the fabric ($40 with lots left over) and the interfacing ($16), we spent $70 on this project. While I recognize that’s not much for a duvet cover, it’s a lot for a craft project that had a high chance of failing.

But, hurray, it didn’t fail. And now we have a personalized, on-theme bedding set that we absolutely adore. And now we just need to go buy the summer-weight duvet to go in it. Yep, we apparently gave away our old one. Sigh. Nothing quite as frustrating as finishing a project and then not being able to use it. ONE SMALL UPDATE: The applique iron-on material turned out to be permanently crinkly, and not the best at adhering. In retrospect, we would have just used the Alene's fabric glue for the whole thing. But if you're doing small pieces instead of, say, a giant tree trunk, the iron-on material may be just fine.

Fair thee warned: sometimes you pay for your project, not with money, but with sweat, tears, and iron burns.

Jordan's Easter Confessional - Revisited

Last year, I wrote this post for Easter. I just realized that with the coinciding payday and Easter holiday this year, I may experience a repeat of this nightmare. Then I had a good laugh, because it was a ridiculous incident. For those who didn't read this post on the Project: Priceless wedding blog, I hope you enjoy. This entry is an all-time favourite. So, just in time for the Easter weekend, let us revisit Jordan's Easter Confessional. 

source: roundletters.wordpress.com

Saturday morning--the Saturday of Easter weekend, that one day out of four that seems to have no special identity--I decided we could wait no longer for groceries. Brian was at work, and usually we shop together, but today I just had to get it done. I headed over to our neighbourhood superstore and grabbed a cart.
Inside the store, it was absolute chaos. To call it crowded would be like calling Justin Beiber 'a little famous'. People were mulling about in every aisle, carts half-full and dazed looks on their faces as they clearly struggled to think of what items they needed for feeding holiday guests. Barricades of carts had formed, creating confused traffic jams, while staff worked silently and without any sudden movements to refill shelves picked bare. I hate grocery shopping on busy days like this, because there's nothing I hate more than feeling like I'm waiting in line, or waiting in a crowd; but groceries we needed, and groceries I'd get us. I cursed the mathematical pattern that made payday fall on a holiday.

I worked as quickly as I could, dodging carts, deeking around people like a basketball player, sprinting out for raids on the bread and deli counters before returning and dumping my loot in the cart. I worked quickly, making no eye contact, and calculating my total under my breath because I’d forgot my cell phone (slash-calculator). There was no room for browsing today, no time for in-depth nutritional comparisons…just go, go go. Down the entire length of the pasta aisle, a woman used her cart to urge me onwards by repeatedly running it into my Achilles’ tendons, not realizing I couldn’t go any faster because of the three-way discussion going on ahead of me about why noodles have number grades on the box. I didn’t scream at the ankle-whacker, and then later wished I had. A teenaged girl working the customer service desk kept paging someone on the intercom to return a cart with fabric shopping bags in it, a page both confusing and apparently useless, as she made her plea about eight times throughout my shopping trip. It created a surreal, repetitive drone that was almost creepy. I tried—once, and once only—to stop and look at my cart because someone had clearly moved my reusable bags to the lower level of the cart for some odd reason, but a woman T-boned my cart with a huge smash and I decided to just hurry up.

source: statesofmind.ca

I lost track around the third last aisle of my mental shopping list, and the running total price of my purchases, but I wasn’t stopping now. I rounded the cheese section, made a left while grabbing frozen berries with my other hand, and got into the first checkout line I saw. Done. I stood there, dazed, looking over my haul.

And that’s when I saw the strange shopping list.

In my cart was a list, written in tiny, neat pencil script, detailing a long day of errands. But this wasn’t my list. I picked it up and read it, feeling sad for whoever had lost their list halfway through the day. Then I looked down at my cart, and noticed something was wrong: there was a package of corn on the cob, for one. I hadn’t grabbed that. Where I had placed a single green pepper, there was now three red ones. And my bread had somehow morphed from white to brown. As I stared at about a half cart’s worth of unknown products, the teenager’s words from the intercom came back to me: Whoever has taken a cart with shopping bags in it that isn’t yours, please return it to the customer service desk.” I dug under the groceries and found, instead of my usual two fabric bags…ten. Ten fabric bags.

My face flushed with heat as I realized that I was the cart bandit. My pulse quickened as I realized that whoever owned this cart and its contents had wanted it back badly enough to stand at customer service for a half-hour and prod the teenager into repeatedly paging me. I frantically checked the cart for a baby or something else irreplaceable: nothing. Phew. Well, I’d have to go to the desk and figure this out. I stepped out my unenviable position in line and wheeled myself down the store.

source: masterfile.com

I stopped in front of a girl employee who was sorting through carts of unsold products and told her that if she was the girl who’d been radioing for the stolen cart, I was the woman she was looking for. She looked surprised to see me, then said that the woman had just wanted her bags back; I said, well fine but that woman has my bags. The girl seemed to think this made us even, and in any case the woman had given up and left, so the girl basically lost interest in me and went back to what she’d been doing. I stood there, debating with myself, as I now had two options: redo exactly 50% of store, because I could see I had foreign products right up to the soy aisle in the middle of the store; or dump the whole cart with this girl and walk away. I chose to redo the first half of the store.

Pure, unadulterated stubbornness propelled me, back through the insanity of the produce area, back through bread and back through deli; I wrangled my sieve-like memory, demanding that it re-remember all the things I’d picked up through these aisles. I was almost done, just one more thing to get, when I walked down the soy aisle and grabbed my two cartons of soymilk, and I turned back towards my waiting cart—and there, parked right in front of my ‘new’ cart, was my old cart. It was exactly halfway full, and waiting for me exactly where I must have left it when I’d grabbed the other woman’s.

I swore a bit under my breath.

I then had an idea. I grabbed both carts awkwardly and dragged them, wheels protesting, into the soymilk aisle with me. I then began sorting through my old cart, making sure that I had the right number of everything I’d started out with. Turns out, on my second trip through, I had missed quite a few things. I began a wild sorting process…one broccoli head, not two…two soy milks…not four…white bread, not brown…green pepper, not read…oops, there’s the tomato I missed…sorting back and forth between the two carts until I had everything in one cart I had originally intended to purchase. Just as I was wrapping up, I looked around and saw several pairs of suspicious eyes watching me. I realized it must look like some crazy woman had just kidnapped a stranger’s cart and was sorting through it, deciding which head of broccoli she liked better, and absconding with someone else’s picks. I bowed my head low to avoid identification and sped away with one cart, now full of only the products I’d wanted in the first place.

source: oneordinaryday.wordpress.com

I got through the lineups, paid for my purchases, and began bagging them all into my cloth bags—my own bags, now reunited with me after finding my old cart. And about a quarter-way through the job, I realized I needed way more bags. I couldn’t figure out how to ask the cashier for plastic ones when I clearly had a mountain of fabric ones in my cart…so I did something that felt truly sinful, and filled up the stolen bags with my groceries. Then I jogged my cart out of that store as fast as I could, fearing that the owner of the bags would somehow spot me, recognize her generic black Loblaws bags, and then demand I empty my groceries into the cart to give them back to her. Which would have been fair, but highly inconvenient.

Here’s hoping that you get some quiet, stress-free time this weekend, whether you’re an actual practitioner of Easter, or a simple Easter chocolate-eater like myself. Here’s hoping you avoided the grocery stores on Saturday, and here’s hoping you have some relaxing, happy family time…or if that fails, some relaxing time after the family leaves. Easter, originally named Eostre, is the festival of fertility, so take a moment and enjoy the sound of romancing squirrels and the smell of budding flowers.

And if you happen to be the woman from the grocery store whose bags I stole, please send us an email and I’ll get them back to you. I’m grateful for the loan and happy to return them. I hope that didn’t ruin your weekend; the entire adventure sure took a toll on mine.

Buns in the Oven, part 2: what you shared after the first post.

RETURNING TO THE BUN-LESS OVEN DISCUSSION

I wrote a post a while ago about choosing not to have kids, and it was a post I was incredibly nervous to publish…but publish I did, and the response I got was affirming to say the least. (Review the post, I strongly recommend it. I talked about the shame and implied ‘incompleteness’ for women who choose not to reproduce.)

We had replies, both public, anonymous, and confidential, from all sorts of women. It was a moving experience: I heard from women who spoke of concealed pregnancy terminations out of fear that their peers would condemn their decisions. I heard from women who confessed they hadn’t fought for custody of their children because they knew their heart wasn’t in it…and the silence they’ve had to maintain with even their closest loved ones, none of which would understand their choices. I  heard from other always-empty-nesters who were confident in their decision, and I heard from new moms who were struggling as they came to realize this may not have been what they wanted, after all...yet were now stuck without a trustworthy confidante who would hear such blasphemy. 

SOLIDARITY AMONGST THE SILENT

It was humbling to hear from so many women who knew the shame, loss, and judgement that can accompany the decision not to have children (or to give up guardianship). It was heartbreaking to hear these stories, but I was glad we’d published the post because clearly, someone needed to say what I’d said: that it can be a brutal journey full of shame and disapproval to be childless by choice.

It made me think of a friend of ours, who is struggling right now with raising her infant. I worry about her, as we hear from her occasionally, usually ranting pretty candidly about how miserable motherhood is. I think about how she tends to vent in anonymous spaces like Twitter, and how the veil of usernames means that this is one of the few ‘safe’ spaces where she can admit to being unhappy. I picture her turning for support to some of the baby-crazy people I’ve met and receiving a speech along the lines of, “Motherhood is beautiful, and all the hard work should feel like a blessing…you’re so blessed to even be able to have kids. You should feel grateful, not miserable.” I think about this girl and how that would increase her sense of isolation, her fears, her self-condemnation, and her depression. 

MOMMY SHAME ATTACKS MOMS AND NON-MOMS

There seems to be this sacred line we cannot cross in talking about childrearing. Yet it seems our culture has lost the ability to question (aka ‘observe, consider, challenge’) motherhood, baby making, and baby rearing. This worries me. Every topic in the history of the world that has become taboo has become a topic that isolates people, shuts down learning, and breeds dogmatic structures that cannot be shifted. It’s a ‘you’re with us, or against us’ approach that worries me. It makes people divide up into camps: typically one camp that is pro-message, and one camp is anti-message—but the less popular camp (in this case, the non-babymakers) never feels safe to share their side of things, and this results in friction between the groups. The camp that gets shame on their side, typically, will win every debate.

THE BATTLE OF THE BABY CAMPS

What happens next is that the camps begin to become more militant. I can tell you, with the ongoing pressure to make a baby, my heels are dug in pretty deep about not having one. On the other side of things in the pro-baby camp, I hear from more and more women who are feeling like they don’t ‘measure up’ to the other women in their baby-making camp: a friend of mine is writing a paper right now on the shame women feel who choose not to/cannot breastfeed. Recently, the World Health Organization changed their pro-breast marketing campaign from ‘Breast is Best’ type wording, to ‘Formula is evil’ type wording--wow, so much judgement. Even within the babymaking camp, there is criticism weighing down on women about how to parent, when to parent, even how to feed their baby. This dogma isn’t new, though it is strengthening: my own mom struggled with breastfeeding shame, and actually attempted to nurse my brother to the point of self-injury before accepting that her milk production complications weren’t going to allow her to do this. My cousin nursed her child at the demands of her doctors, despite a clear lactose intolerance in her kid, because the doctors insisted it was best. The pressure to conform to an idea of motherhood is daunting and even dangerous.

I can’t speak to any of this out of personal experience. I can only share with you what has been shared with me, someone who seems to be seen as neutral territory on the topic. I sometimes find myself wondering why women are willing to share their baby frustrations with me and not with others, but the answer is clear: they see people freak out on others, and they’re afraid to be freaked out on. Everything about motherhood seems to be a sore spot, and within the Pampers-Fisher-Price-Gerber-Breastfeeding motherhood propaganda, there’s little room for disagreement, frustration, or second thoughts. 

MOMMY SHAME IS EVERYONE'S CONCERN

Shaming non-mothers, or reluctant mothers, or alternative-option mothers is not productive. The next time you witness someone getting pounced on for challenging the status quo for the motherhood dogma we live with culturally, consider stepping in. Remember our friend, the mom who shouts her motherhood despair into the anonymous abyss of Twitter, and remember that for every one person we shame directly, there’s probably another ten that we shame by proxy. 

TELL ME MORE

In closing, let me invite you: I want to hear from you. I want to hear from parents who found a safe space to be different. I want to keep hearing from the moms and non-moms out there who have felt represented in my baby blog posts. Yes, I even want to hear from those out there who hate what I’ve written, as long as you can stick to the facts and not throw personal slurs around. On a blog called the NEST, whether I personally reproduce or not, discussion of childrearing is only natural. Email me; I’m all ears.

Jordan's email is projectpriceless (at) gmail.com